To forgive, divine.
In Shakespeare's The Tempest, Antonio declares "What's past is prologue!" (2.1). According to him, an act of murder was an inevitable result. A historical injustice required present retribution. I've often let this sentiment justify my choices in conflict (no, not to murder of course!). I'll gather up past hurts like a little catalogue. A library to wallow in and reference when I'm feeling self-indulgent or when I lash out with a sharp tongue.
But unlike me, there are people who do forgiveness well and have taught me that there is a better way. And unlike anyone, the costly sacrifice of Jesus' grace is the ultimate and the perfect example of forgiveness. What a scandal that we are reconciled to God, and we did nothing to deserve it.
From God's everyday mercies and from the words of people much wiser than me, I've compiled 3 surprising lessons about forgiveness.
- Forgiveness isn't all about 'me'.
As a millennial who has dabbled in secular therapy, this can be quite a shock to the system! Wait, but what about that quote about forgiveness setting you free? And the other quote about forgiveness being an act of self-care and healing? To quote Tim Keller, these are fantastic "by-products" that forgiveness can bring, but on the long journey that is forgiveness, if I use self-actualisation and self-healing as my motivation, I am doomed to fail. Let's not forget that the human heart is unreliable and what if I suddenly decide forgiveness is not enough? In the shower, I enjoy contriving snarky comeback lines that I wish I thought of in the moment like Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' – "You work on commission, right? Big Mistake! HUGE!" I'm a dramatic person with a vivid imagination!
Keller reminds us that "the ground motive of biblical forgiveness is…to honour God—to forgive as he has forgiven you—to bring about change for the common good". And we must honour God, not ourselves. Trust me, that latter path leads to foolishness and wasted water in the shower.
- You can forgive someone, before you start to feel it.
It is not fashionable today to do anything without "feeling" ready. When "trust your heart" is the water we swim in, it makes sense to mete out forgiveness when we feel willing. But how many times has the Bible told us that the human heart is not to be trusted (Jeremiah 17:9) and that we mustn't gratify the flesh (Romans 13:14)?
When I know I'll teach a student in class whose behaviour…let's just say…is incompatible with a positive experience, I arrive 5 minutes early and sit at their preferred desk and I pray. I pray for blessing over them and for God to prepare my heart. Does it make me like them straight away? No, but something more meaningful happens – my attitude and heart softens, and I am more inclined to patience and to willing their good.
As Keller says, "forgiveness is often granted before it is felt". Heart change starts with God, not us, with the Holy Spirit softening our hearts and making us more Christ-like. Yes, it won't be overnight, but we partner with God. We can choose what is God-honouring and what is good, despite ourselves.
- Forgiveness doesn't always guarantee reconciliation…but we can try.
I swing back and forth between guilt for the lack of closure I have with an estranged relationship; to thinking reconciliation is a hopeless cause. But Matthew 18 affirms that if there is conflict, reconciliation should be my ambition as a Christian. Keller challenges, "a Christian is responsible to begin the process of reconciliation, regardless of how the alienation began". Oof.
But I'm reminded by Theologian Miroslav Volf that while forgiveness "decouples the deed from the doer" there is a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. While we can forgive others, reconciliation needs both willing parties to come to the table. So, while I can't control how the other person behaves and how they feel about me, I can only be responsible for how I act and move forward.
Over time, I've come to realise that I don't need reconciliation or closure with the person who hurt me to forgive them, and to 'complete' my healing journey. Perhaps that healing isn't something I'll experience earth side.
While what has happened in the past can affect our prologue, present and future, we can forgive because God first forgave us. We love because He first loved us. Because in the end, it isn't about me and while I can forgive and attempt to rebuild and reconcile, the grace of God is what restores and mends.
There will come a time when every tear will be wiped away and the old order of this fraught world will pass away. Until then, through God's strength, Jesus' grace and the Spirit's work in me; I will try (and sometimes fail) to keep setting aside my pride and to keep praying for the person who might one day come to the table.
Jacqui
